Ranch Life
21 Thoughts Before the Sun Came Out
It’s interesting that trees and protective dogs rely on the same survival mechanism: bark.
Why do they call it “bone loss?” They’re trapped in a flesh bag and have to be in there somewhere. What do we pay these Doctors for?
I live in a ranch house in the country, and every time I pass the Ranch Dressing at a salad bar, I feel a sense of propinquity. Forget counting your macros. It’s all about that Ranch Life, baby.
I want to make a bumper sticker that say, “Bird IS the word.”
Most days, I consume other peoples’ inspiration. The pull to write strikes on rainy days, which would make today a thunderstorm?
The news has been bad lately, that’s not news.
There’s a guy in my town running for Town Chair and the election is this Tuesday. His campaign seems to be motivated by personal animus—says his neighbor’s driveway encroaches on his property. Shows up to Planning Commission meetings wearing a fedora and delivers public remarks about how his political science degree from Mankato State University in ‘89 tells him that there’s something “fishy” going on in the way we administer our town’s Comprehensive Plan. There are too many guys like Mark running for office.
In Wisconsin, Pussy Willows bloom a month ahead of everything else. Tomorrow, it will snow. They should really be called Plucky Willows.
When I was 16 I broke my left wrist snowboarding. When I was 26 I broke my left wrist skateboarding. Last week at age 36, I broke my left wrist biking. Just kidding, I’m 37. The universe is random.
I’ve often thought that names are spells. You name something in the hopes that thing will someday become something. For example, “Nicholas” translates in Greek to “Victory of the People.” Or the narcissist-socialist in me translates it to the “The People’s Champion.” My niece, who was born in February and whom I love fiercely and unconditionally, is named “Indy Rae.” What are we spelling here?
Dear California, you need to stop posting your life on the Internet from February to April. Sincerely, The Rest of US.
As of today, Neptune is in Aries, you know what that means!
Deportations, censorship on college campuses, giant earthquake in Myanmar, the fusion of tech billionaires, protectionism, white nationalism and ecocide—there’s a lot that can keep you up at night. Have you tried reading “Reflections on the Revolution in France” with the red light setting of your headlamp?
Today’s Wordle is “Quota.” I’m sorry or you’re welcome.
I’m excited to go to a Bright Eyes concert this week and relive my high school New Found Glory days that never really left, just went underground. Lying in wait for that lover I don’t have to love, a girl who’s too sad to give a fuck, you know? Those bad actors with bad habits, some sad singers, they just play tragic. Listening to emo as a kid, I always felt like I was getting away with a double life. Wearing a studded belt / under a popped collar polo. Driving a Jeep Cherokee / with a skull handle stick shift. Playing lacrosse, going to recruiting camps, going to parties / going to the 9:30 Club, pining for some orphaned looking girl whose mascara was running scared. Happa emo-prep was me. Emo music is inherently young, vital and future-oriented—odes to a better state that’s less doomed than the present one. So I think this Bright Eyes concert will be extra emo this week—a bunch of balding, mid-aged men singing and listening to 20-year old songs that are all anchored in the tragedy of youth. Sad. Looking forward to it / kinda dreading it. Please pass the Pepcid.
When I was nine, I had a rattail because the Chinese believe that when you die you are pulled up to heaven by your rattail. These days, I have a mullet. Some would say that it’s a haircut that says, I don’t believe in anything.
I remember a time before smart phones when I had a working memory.
My cat is a four-footed emoji.
Clare is a two-footed mystery.
Smoky is loyalty with canine teeth.
Marco Rubio is a tennis shoe that stepped in Smoky’s poop personified.
Oh, look, the sun’s coming out. G2G bye!
Super late to the show, but loved everything about this!